Wigan To Resign From Premier League
Exclusive report from Sheikh_Mahand
Wigan Athletic have today revealed plans to resign from the Premier League, after pressure from media outlets and opposition fans.The decision is believed to be prompted by Tuesday night's poor result against League 2's Notts County, as well as the small attendance. Officials have also cited the poor playing surface at the DW Stadium, being located near to a previously successful rugby league club, and the employment of Titus Bramble.
The Lancashire club has been targeted by members of the press for criticism over the perceived lack of support in the town, culminating in two sub-6,000 attendances in a cup competition not taken seriously since the last millennium.
'It simply isn't good enough,' said Max Haildon, chief sports writer for the Daily Mail. 'Premier League clubs should always fill their grounds, no matter who they are playing and what the economic conditions are in the area. Add that to the fact that they failed to beat a team three divisions lower than them, and the thought of resigning is the least they should do. I mean, all the properly big clubs like Liverpool and Manchester United only ever lose to teams from their league, results like the one last night falsify the idea of a 'Premier' League.'
Chairman Dave Whelan released this statement: 'I realise now how foolish I was to think that by having a better team than 72 other League clubs that Wigan would be accepted by the Premier League. Having millions of fans in the Far East and Scandinavia, along with mountains of unmanageable debt are much more important. We have considered this long into the night, and have decided to tender our resignation from the Premier League, and rejoin League Two where we clearly belong.'
Daily Mirror columnist Fran Bollymore welcomed the move, claiming it was a victory 'for everyone who has supported a big team while they were winning things'.
Also happy was Leeds United director Steve Darvey: 'This move by Wigan can only be good for British football. Who really wants to see clubs finish in surprising positions? Not me. I'd much rather see all the previously successful teams all playing each other every season, no matter how bad their teams might be.
'Unfortunately it's Wigan's own fault for being founded 40 years after the rest of us, if they had serious plans about staying in the Premiership then they would have been elected into the Football League in the early 20th Century, leaving it to the late 70s is bad management. We can't just sit around waiting for them to create some history and win trophies. They should have done that when we did, back in the 1960s and 70s. Never mind that they weren't even a League club then.'
Leeds were one of five clubs reportedly readying applications for Wigan's Premier League place. Newcastle United, Nottingham Forest, Sheffield Wednesday and Norwich City are also preparing dossiers, allegedly based on the fact that, to quote from a leaked page from the Newcastle report, 'we have more fans that them'.
Premier League officials are supposedly ready to ignore actual quality on the pitch in favour of large attendances, and one source we spoke to revealed that they hope more teams follow Wigan's lead.
'It is true that we're hoping we don't have to make a decision between the five applications we have received,' said the source, who we can name only as 'John'.
'We have been in touch with officials from Blackburn and Bolton, enquiring whether they would be willing to follow Wigan down into the lower leagues. At the end of the day, we don't really care that they've consistently gained enough points to get to and stay in the Premier League. As we all know, it's attendances and performance in the distant past that matters.'
In unrelated news, some Championship clubs and lower Premier League clubs are preparing to dissolve their football teams, in favour of attracting more people through the turnstiles to pacify the Premier League officials. Bez Toxey, Chief Exectutive of Wolverhampton Wanderers, admitted that just playing football simply wasn't good enough.
'We have found that people are more interested in other things, especially our female fans,' said Toxey this afternoon. 'As females make up 51% of the world population, we're considering other methods to get people down to Molineux on a Saturday afternoon. The biggest television audiences have been for Britain's Got Talent, the Superbowl and Michael Jackson's funeral. Therefore, we're going to combine the three and begin a tournament to find the person in Britain who can bury Nenad Milijas the best while wearing excessive body armour.'
Other clubs are rapidly following Toxey's and Wolves' lead; Middlesbrough have already removed their football team and have replaced them with the Scottish Head Tennis team while Ipswich Town are considering an excursion into Amateur Dramatics, with a performance of Shakespeare's The Tempest already in production.
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