Date:Tuesday February 16 2010
FA chiefs have today announced the imminent appointment of survival expert Ray Mears as England manager.
With Fabio Capello seemingly unable to cope when England play across the water in Europe after a poor result in Spain last year, the FA have decided to act quickly. With the coming World Cup likely to be dominated by European teams, bosses want an expert at surviving such tough conditions in charge.
"This is a unique opportunity," said Lord Triesman on being questioned on the rumours. "Ray has enormous experience in dealing with extreme circumstances, especially those in foreign countries. With most new stadia being constructed outside of cities, Ray`s wilderness training will prove invaluable to our players and staff, most of whom are loath to leave the safety of London."
Mears is expected to name fellow nature junkie Bear Grylls as his assistant manager later in the week. "Myself and Bear have a lot to bring to the campfire you know." Mumbled Mears, already getting the hang of crap puns and mixed metaphors footballers are so fond of. "While I was in Venezuela, I came across a rare type of mussel that can boost extra-marital sexual prowess, which I`m sure will be popular in the England dressing room. Also, after I spent some time with the Fa`asali tribe of northern Tuvalu I tried a traditional way of expelling anger through turtle curling. I`ll be advising Wayne Rooney to try it."
There are also unconfirmed rumours that the cast of popular BBC3 programme 'The Real Hustle` will be joining the squad out in South Africa to provide scam protection on Johannesburg`s notorious streets. Bill Ford, head of negotiation at the FA, admitted it could be a possibility. "We have been in contact with the Real Hustle team. However, we can`t sort a proper interview with them, as they keep sending other people with suggestive names and office supplies keep going missing.
"There`s only so many times you can let Sue Weeney into the building before all our pens and desk toys have gone missing. We keep phoning the production company and following their instructions, but nobody`s replied to our emails asking where all the money we gave to the Nigerian general has gone.
"We needed that money to pay for Wembley, our 40% should have been paid into our account by now. At this rate we`ll have to start using the confidence tricks shown on the programme out in South Africa ourselves, just to make ends meet."
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Date:Tuesday February 16 2010
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