UK time is: 15:26:51
Vital Login
Social Login

Choose your club

Other Sites

Network Navigation

Vital Partners

'If It's Football, It's Vital'

Ray Mears To Become England Manager


FA chiefs have today announced the imminent appointment of survival expert Ray Mears as England manager.

With Fabio Capello seemingly unable to cope when England play across the water in Europe after a poor result in Spain last year, the FA have decided to act quickly. With the coming World Cup likely to be dominated by European teams, bosses want an expert at surviving such tough conditions in charge.

"This is a unique opportunity," said Lord Triesman on being questioned on the rumours. "Ray has enormous experience in dealing with extreme circumstances, especially those in foreign countries. With most new stadia being constructed outside of cities, Ray`s wilderness training will prove invaluable to our players and staff, most of whom are loath to leave the safety of London."

Mears is expected to name fellow nature junkie Bear Grylls as his assistant manager later in the week. "Myself and Bear have a lot to bring to the campfire you know." Mumbled Mears, already getting the hang of crap puns and mixed metaphors footballers are so fond of. "While I was in Venezuela, I came across a rare type of mussel that can boost extra-marital sexual prowess, which I`m sure will be popular in the England dressing room. Also, after I spent some time with the Fa`asali tribe of northern Tuvalu I tried a traditional way of expelling anger through turtle curling. I`ll be advising Wayne Rooney to try it."

There are also unconfirmed rumours that the cast of popular BBC3 programme 'The Real Hustle` will be joining the squad out in South Africa to provide scam protection on Johannesburg`s notorious streets. Bill Ford, head of negotiation at the FA, admitted it could be a possibility. "We have been in contact with the Real Hustle team. However, we can`t sort a proper interview with them, as they keep sending other people with suggestive names and office supplies keep going missing.

"There`s only so many times you can let Sue Weeney into the building before all our pens and desk toys have gone missing. We keep phoning the production company and following their instructions, but nobody`s replied to our emails asking where all the money we gave to the Nigerian general has gone.

"We needed that money to pay for Wembley, our 40% should have been paid into our account by now. At this rate we`ll have to start using the confidence tricks shown on the programme out in South Africa ourselves, just to make ends meet."


By Sheikh_Mahand



Bookmark and Share






You can listen to the Latics Speyk podcasts now by clicking on the player here:











Latics Speyk Car Stickers Have Arrived

Vital Wigan are pleased to announce that the Latics Speyk car stickers have arrived anyone who wants one follow the instructions in this link

Latics and Proud

Fancy writing an article about the Latics? Why not get in touch, we are always looking for new contributors, after all we are all Latics fans here and want to get the Latics message to the world, so if you have a favourite match or Latics memory get it jotted down, or whatever you want to say put it into an email and send it to us here at Vital Wigan

To get your article published just click here and we will put it onto the site


Vital Latics - Bringing you the Latics Speyk car stickers and the podcasts

It's easy to join us at Vital Latics to register , simply click the link and enjoy getting involved








Use your social login to comment on front page articles. Login using you Facebook, Twitter, Google or LinkedIn accounts and have your say!



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Sheikh_Mahand Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Tuesday February 16 2010

Time: 6:35PM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
Ray and Bear, they certainly could be the new Sven and Tord
worbo
Report Abuse
16/02/2010 18:54:00

Bear Grylls has certainly got the porn star name to live up to Tord's billing!
Sheikh_Mahand
Report Abuse
16/02/2010 19:55:00

LOL nice article
gabotheyido
Report Abuse
16/02/2010 22:41:00

 

Have Your Say

Log in...
with your social network     OR     with your Vital account

Recent Wigan Athletic Articles

Billy Mckay Signs For The Latics (Friday January 30 2015)

12th Man - Shake, Rattle And Roll (Friday January 30 2015)

Ivan Ramis Heading For Levante (Thursday January 29 2015)

Archived Wigan Athletic Articles

List All Vital Latics Articles
Have your say
Click here to suggest an article
Click here to suggest a poll

Vital Members League (view all)

1. worbo 259
2. Danny_de_Zeeuw16 250
3. Whittleblue 218
4. russialatic 218
5. Bert Hughes 145
6. Pauvre Jean 143
7. legolad 142
8. Jonny_SuffolkLatic 127
9. albert jckson 126
10. SwindonLatic 123

League Results (view all)

Latest Results
Wigan 0 - 1 Huddersfield
Wigan 1 - 1 Blackburn
Birmingham 3 - 1 Wigan
Wigan 0 - 1 Sheff Wed
Leeds Utd 0 - 2 Wigan
Wigan 1 - 2 Rotherham

League Table (view table)

Team P W D L GD Pts
18. Reading 27 8 7 12 -11 31
19. Brighton 27 6 11 10 -5 29
20. Rotherham 27 6 11 10 -10 29
21. Leeds Utd 26 6 8 12 -11 26
22. Millwall 27 5 9 13 -19 24
23. Wigan 27 4 9 14 -10 21
24. Blackpool 26 3 7 16 -29 16

Breaking League News

Phelan Set To Join Hull
Norwich : 30/01/2015 15:00:00
Billy Mckay Signs For The Latics
Wigan : 30/01/2015 14:07:00
BWFC: Gone
Bolton : 30/01/2015 13:54:00
RUFC - Gaffer Buzzing Over Hunt Signing
Rotherham : 30/01/2015 13:28:00
Rob Kiernan Heading For The Exit Door?
Wigan : 30/01/2015 13:25:00

Current Site Poll (view all polls)

With All These New Signings Coming In How Will We Fare At The Weekend?
Suggested By:  Mick Mills
Latics Win 34%
Ipswich Win 48%
Draw 18%