Vital Football

Latest Wigan Atletic News

The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez

The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez


A new series of articles (hopefully) by the inimitable Sheikh_Mahand, taking a sideways look at the days in the life of Wigan Athletic boss Roberto Martinez, over to you Sheikh:

The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez

As a bit of fun, and to get away from some of the infighting on the Wigan Athletic message boards in recent weeks, I present Episode 1 of The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez, aged 37 1/2.

I'm (almost) certain none of this has happened, it's all firmly tongue in cheek, and there may well be further episodes if you guys like them.

Monday: Poor Jordi. Gary and Steven keep dressing up as Karl Henry and scaring him. I threatened to take away their Tennent`s Special Brew rations if they don`t stop, which seemed to calm them down. They wandered off to deep fry Jordi`s boots, leaving me and Graham to try and soothe Jordi. He`ll be having nightmares about that for weeks, I just hope his panic attacks don`t come back. It took months for him to grow out of those.

Tuesday: Young James and Old James are getting worse and worse. They keep bickering over the DVD player at the training ground, Young James wants to watch Balamory but Old James wants the Tweenies. It quickly descended into a petty fight, Young James slapped Old James, Old James kicked Young James on his bad knee. I had to get Steve Gohouri to break it up, he had to grab one in each hand and pin them against a wall for six hours before they got bored and fell asleep.

Wednesday: I`ve been asking the chairman to get us a coach with European experience to help in our fight against relegation. I`m not sure he quite understood, because there was a big Volvo bus parked outside Christopher Park this morning. Apparently it was the one that took Aston Villa to play Dynamo Berlin in the 1982 European Cup. Not sure what to do with it, considering playing it in goal on Saturday.

Thursday: I had a call from Steve Bruce today about buying some of our players. He said he would offer a massive £13 for Charles, and would throw in a multipack of Quavers to take Hugo too. I told him he had the wrong number, denied we had any players called Charles or Hugo and shouted the number for Tesco`s helpline down the phone before I hung up. That reminds me, I must double our patrols outside the big cage in Rigaletto`s basement; we don`t want Sunderland taking Charles or Hugo without us knowing.

Friday: Daniel de Ridder is acting more and more strangely. We really must get him to shave off his soul patch. Today he rode into training on the back of a camel, insisting he was one of the Three Kings reincarnated. He refused to get off until he could see 'the saviour` and present him with his gifts. We almost called the police but Victor appeared from the changing rooms, Daniel dropped to his knees and started chanting. He pulled out his 'gift` for the 'saviour`, which he insisted was Myrrh. I`m fairly sure it was just the insides of a sherbet dibdab.




Join The Vital Debate



Bookmark and Share















Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Writer:Sheikh_Mahand
Date:Friday January 21 2011
Time: 1:41PM

Comments

0
Fantastic stuff Sheikh, you can visualise the Caldwell brothers bullying Gomez, very funny, looking forward to the next installment already
worbo
21/01/2011 13:45:00
0
Been reading your previous efforts on 606. Very imaginative and clever.
nooney
21/01/2011 14:26:00
0
Excellent stuff. More of the same please!
J_Mo
21/01/2011 15:15:00
0
very good
johnney handsome
21/01/2011 16:26:00
Page 1/1
  1. 1

Login to post a comment

Best of Vital Network

Recent Wigan Athletic Articles

Whose Your Clubs' Lucky Scoring Omen?

Some clubs in the Premier League just seem to have a player with lady luck on their side and when they score in a game, that match always returns at least a point.

12th Man - Stability Brings Success

Despite a two goal reversal I left the DW Stadium on Saturday feeling a bit more positive than usual and a lot more entertained.

The Tea Lady - It's Time To Go - Wigan Athletic

Since she came in we've suffered 12 relegations and wasted £800m parachute payments on dross. I've met her once and she's very nice but we can't be sentimental about these decisions.

PWU Latics Podcast - Villa And FAB Report

This week we take a look back at the Villa game, life without Joyce feels so much brighter

Archived Vital Latics Articles

Vital Latics articles from

Site Journalists

Barry Worthington
Editor email
Profile
Dan Farrimond (JWAW)
no email
Profile
Adam Convery
no email
Profile
Frank Ford
no email
Profile
Noel Wards Leg
no email
Profile

Current Poll (see more polls)

Big Game Winners?
Suggested By: Warren Joyce
Latics36%
Aston Villa46%
Draw18%
ScoopDragon Publishing Entire League Network of Sites

League Table

# Team P W D L Pts. GD
1 Newcastle 38 24 6 8 78 38
2 Brighton 38 23 8 7 77 30
3 Huddersfield 37 22 5 10 71 4
4 Leeds Utd 38 21 6 11 69 16
5 Reading 38 20 7 11 67 2
6 Sheff Wed 38 18 8 12 62 9
7 Fulham 38 16 13 9 61 19
8 Norwich 38 16 9 13 57 9
9 Preston 38 15 12 11 57 6
10 Derby County 38 14 11 13 53 3
11 Barnsley 38 14 9 15 51 0
12 Aston Villa 38 13 12 13 51 0
13 Cardiff 38 14 9 15 51 -1
14 Brentford 38 14 8 16 50 3
15 Q.P.R. 38 14 8 16 50 -5
16 Wolves 37 12 9 16 45 -2
17 Ipswich 38 10 15 13 45 -9
18 Birmingham 38 11 12 15 45 -16
19 Bristol City 38 11 8 19 41 -3
20 Forest 38 11 8 19 41 -11
21 Burton 38 10 11 17 41 -14
22 Blackburn 38 9 13 16 40 -11
23 Wigan 38 8 10 20 34 -13
24 Rotherham 38 4 5 29 17 -54
Vital Football Comment
Latest F1 News
Latest Vital Boxing News
Write for Vital Football

Recent Wigan Athletic Results (view all)

Wigan Athletic Fixtures (view all)

Apr 1 2017 3:00PM : Newcastle United (a)
Sky Bet Championship
Apr 4 2017 7:45PM : Ipswich Town (a)
Sky Bet Championship
Apr 8 2017 3:00PM : Rotherham United (H)
Sky Bet Championship
Apr 13 2017 7:45PM : Barnsley (H)
Sky Bet Championship
Apr 17 2017 3:00PM : Brighton & Hove Albion (a)
Sky Bet Championship
Apr 22 2017 3:00PM : Cardiff City (H)
Sky Bet Championship

Vital Members League Table

RankNamePoints
1.Get a Grip!307
2.Moonay282
3.Whittleblue264
4.king_dezeeuw06233
5.truelatic4eva206
6.hindleymonwafc177
7.Martinez1986174
8.nottinghamlatic148
9.Barry W133
10.WN5129
The Vital Football Members League