Vital Football

Latest Wigan Atletic News

The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez

The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez

A new series of articles (hopefully) by the inimitable Sheikh_Mahand, taking a sideways look at the days in the life of Wigan Athletic boss Roberto Martinez, over to you Sheikh:

The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez

As a bit of fun, and to get away from some of the infighting on the Wigan Athletic message boards in recent weeks, I present Episode 1 of The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez, aged 37 1/2.

I'm (almost) certain none of this has happened, it's all firmly tongue in cheek, and there may well be further episodes if you guys like them.

Monday: Poor Jordi. Gary and Steven keep dressing up as Karl Henry and scaring him. I threatened to take away their Tennent`s Special Brew rations if they don`t stop, which seemed to calm them down. They wandered off to deep fry Jordi`s boots, leaving me and Graham to try and soothe Jordi. He`ll be having nightmares about that for weeks, I just hope his panic attacks don`t come back. It took months for him to grow out of those.

Tuesday: Young James and Old James are getting worse and worse. They keep bickering over the DVD player at the training ground, Young James wants to watch Balamory but Old James wants the Tweenies. It quickly descended into a petty fight, Young James slapped Old James, Old James kicked Young James on his bad knee. I had to get Steve Gohouri to break it up, he had to grab one in each hand and pin them against a wall for six hours before they got bored and fell asleep.

Wednesday: I`ve been asking the chairman to get us a coach with European experience to help in our fight against relegation. I`m not sure he quite understood, because there was a big Volvo bus parked outside Christopher Park this morning. Apparently it was the one that took Aston Villa to play Dynamo Berlin in the 1982 European Cup. Not sure what to do with it, considering playing it in goal on Saturday.

Thursday: I had a call from Steve Bruce today about buying some of our players. He said he would offer a massive £13 for Charles, and would throw in a multipack of Quavers to take Hugo too. I told him he had the wrong number, denied we had any players called Charles or Hugo and shouted the number for Tesco`s helpline down the phone before I hung up. That reminds me, I must double our patrols outside the big cage in Rigaletto`s basement; we don`t want Sunderland taking Charles or Hugo without us knowing.

Friday: Daniel de Ridder is acting more and more strangely. We really must get him to shave off his soul patch. Today he rode into training on the back of a camel, insisting he was one of the Three Kings reincarnated. He refused to get off until he could see 'the saviour` and present him with his gifts. We almost called the police but Victor appeared from the changing rooms, Daniel dropped to his knees and started chanting. He pulled out his 'gift` for the 'saviour`, which he insisted was Myrrh. I`m fairly sure it was just the insides of a sherbet dibdab.

Join The Vital Debate

Bookmark and Share

Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Date:Friday January 21 2011
Time: 1:41PM


Fantastic stuff Sheikh, you can visualise the Caldwell brothers bullying Gomez, very funny, looking forward to the next installment already
21/01/2011 13:45:00
Been reading your previous efforts on 606. Very imaginative and clever.
21/01/2011 14:26:00
Excellent stuff. More of the same please!
21/01/2011 15:15:00
very good
johnney handsome
21/01/2011 16:26:00
Page 1/1
  1. 1

Login to post a comment

Best of Vital Network

Recent Wigan Athletic Articles

New Manager Announcement - PWU Latics Podcast

Whilst we're waiting for the unveiling of our new manager, Warren Joyce, why not grab a Friday listen to the PWU Latics podcast

12th Man - Thanks For The Memories Gary

After 6 years and 10 months Gary Caldwell's stay at Wigan Athletic ended abruptly on Tuesday afternoon around 5pm.

Any Previous? - Cardiff City v Wigan Athletic

The Latics travel to South Wales on Saturday to face Cardiff City for a bottom of the table Championship game.

Michael Jacobs Vital Latics Man Of The Match v Brighton

Michael Jacobs has been voted the Vital Latics man of the match for his performance in last Saturday's defeat against Brighton at the DW Stadium

Archived Vital Latics Articles

Vital Latics articles from

Site Journalists

Barry Worthington
Editor email
Dan Farrimond (JWAW)
no email
Adam Convery
no email
Frank Ford
no email
Noel Wards Leg
no email

Current Poll (see more polls)

Big Game Winners?
Suggested By: Vinny Tan
Cardiff City58%
ScoopDragon Publishing Entire League Network of Sites

League Table

# Team P W D L Pts. GD
1 Newcastle 14 10 1 3 31 19
2 Brighton 14 8 4 2 28 9
3 Huddersfield 14 9 1 4 28 4
4 Norwich 14 8 3 3 27 7
5 Sheff Wed 14 7 3 4 24 1
6 Bristol City 14 7 2 5 23 6
7 Birmingham 14 6 5 3 23 3
8 Reading 14 6 4 4 22 -3
9 Preston 14 6 2 6 20 1
10 Leeds Utd 14 6 2 6 20 -1
11 Brentford 14 5 4 5 19 5
12 Barnsley 14 6 1 7 19 3
13 Q.P.R. 14 5 4 5 19 -3
14 Fulham 14 4 6 4 18 -2
15 Burton 14 4 5 5 17 0
16 Aston Villa 14 3 8 3 17 0
17 Ipswich 14 4 5 5 17 -2
18 Wolves 14 4 4 6 16 -1
19 Forest 14 4 3 7 15 -3
20 Cardiff 14 4 3 7 15 -9
21 Derby County 14 3 5 6 14 -4
22 Blackburn 14 3 3 8 12 -8
23 Wigan 14 2 5 7 11 -3
24 Rotherham 14 1 3 10 6 -19
Write for Vital Football
Latest F1 News
Latest Vital Boxing News
The Vital Football Members League

Recent Wigan Athletic Results (view all)

Wigan Athletic Fixtures (view all)

Oct 29 2016 3:00PM : Cardiff City (a)
Sky Bet Championship
Nov 5 2016 3:00PM : Reading (H)
Sky Bet Championship
Nov 19 2016 3:00PM : Barnsley (a)
Sky Bet Championship
Nov 28 2016 7:45PM : Huddersfield Town (a)
Sky Bet Championship
Dec 3 2016 3:00PM : Derby County (H)
Sky Bet Championship
Dec 10 2016 3:00PM : Aston Villa (a)
Sky Bet Championship

Vital Members League Table

2.Get a Grip!323
5.Barry W119
7.jeffs right85
Vital Football Comment