UK time is: 23:18:17
Vital Login
Social Login

Choose your club

Other Sites

Network Navigation

Vital Partners

'If It's Football, It's Vital'

The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez


A new series of articles (hopefully) by the inimitable Sheikh_Mahand, taking a sideways look at the days in the life of Wigan Athletic boss Roberto Martinez, over to you Sheikh:

The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez

As a bit of fun, and to get away from some of the infighting on the Wigan Athletic message boards in recent weeks, I present Episode 1 of The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez, aged 37 1/2.

I'm (almost) certain none of this has happened, it's all firmly tongue in cheek, and there may well be further episodes if you guys like them.

Monday: Poor Jordi. Gary and Steven keep dressing up as Karl Henry and scaring him. I threatened to take away their Tennent`s Special Brew rations if they don`t stop, which seemed to calm them down. They wandered off to deep fry Jordi`s boots, leaving me and Graham to try and soothe Jordi. He`ll be having nightmares about that for weeks, I just hope his panic attacks don`t come back. It took months for him to grow out of those.

Tuesday: Young James and Old James are getting worse and worse. They keep bickering over the DVD player at the training ground, Young James wants to watch Balamory but Old James wants the Tweenies. It quickly descended into a petty fight, Young James slapped Old James, Old James kicked Young James on his bad knee. I had to get Steve Gohouri to break it up, he had to grab one in each hand and pin them against a wall for six hours before they got bored and fell asleep.

Wednesday: I`ve been asking the chairman to get us a coach with European experience to help in our fight against relegation. I`m not sure he quite understood, because there was a big Volvo bus parked outside Christopher Park this morning. Apparently it was the one that took Aston Villa to play Dynamo Berlin in the 1982 European Cup. Not sure what to do with it, considering playing it in goal on Saturday.

Thursday: I had a call from Steve Bruce today about buying some of our players. He said he would offer a massive 13 for Charles, and would throw in a multipack of Quavers to take Hugo too. I told him he had the wrong number, denied we had any players called Charles or Hugo and shouted the number for Tesco`s helpline down the phone before I hung up. That reminds me, I must double our patrols outside the big cage in Rigaletto`s basement; we don`t want Sunderland taking Charles or Hugo without us knowing.

Friday: Daniel de Ridder is acting more and more strangely. We really must get him to shave off his soul patch. Today he rode into training on the back of a camel, insisting he was one of the Three Kings reincarnated. He refused to get off until he could see 'the saviour` and present him with his gifts. We almost called the police but Victor appeared from the changing rooms, Daniel dropped to his knees and started chanting. He pulled out his 'gift` for the 'saviour`, which he insisted was Myrrh. I`m fairly sure it was just the insides of a sherbet dibdab.




Join The Vital Debate



Bookmark and Share
















Use your social login to comment on front page articles. Login using you Facebook, Twitter, Google or LinkedIn accounts and have your say!



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Sheikh_Mahand Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday January 21 2011

Time: 1:41PM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
Fantastic stuff Sheikh, you can visualise the Caldwell brothers bullying Gomez, very funny, looking forward to the next installment already
worbo
Report Abuse
21/01/2011 13:45:00

Been reading your previous efforts on 606. Very imaginative and clever.
nooney
Report Abuse
21/01/2011 14:26:00

Excellent stuff. More of the same please!
J_Mo
Report Abuse
21/01/2011 15:15:00

very good
johnney handsome
Report Abuse
21/01/2011 16:26:00

 

Have Your Say

Log in...
with your social network     OR     with your Vital account

Recent Wigan Athletic Articles

12th Man - A Strange Season So Far (Friday March 27 2015)

PWU Latics Podcast - People Hold On (Wednesday March 25 2015)

PWU Latics Podcast - People Hold On (Wednesday March 25 2015)

Latics 1 Bolton 1 - Curses! (Sunday March 22 2015)

Archived Wigan Athletic Articles

List All Vital Latics Articles
Have your say
Click here to suggest an article
Click here to suggest a poll
ScoopDragon Publishing Entire League Network of Sites

Vital Members League (view all)

1. worbo 223
2. Whittleblue 170
3. Lardtaster 137
4. Moonay 120
5. russialatic 118
6. Martinez1986 103
7. Oscarbon 92
8. hindleymonwafc 90
9. Danny_de_Zeeuw16 82
10. scotdave 81

League Table (view table)

Team P W D L GD Pts
18. Huddersfield 39 11 11 17 -19 44
19. Reading 38 12 8 18 -19 44
20. Fulham 39 12 7 20 -18 43
21. Rotherham 39 9 13 17 -20 40
22. Wigan 39 8 11 20 -17 35
23. Millwall 39 7 12 20 -31 33
24. Blackpool 39 4 11 24 -48 23

Breaking League News

Wednesday Striker Madine Wants Deal At Blackpool
Sheff Wed : 29/03/2015 19:54:00
LUFC Mowatt makes England debut in win over USA
Leeds Utd : 29/03/2015 19:14:00
Has International Break Come Too Soon?
Ipswich : 29/03/2015 18:34:00
Vital poll result: Pearce future?
Reading : 29/03/2015 17:00:01
Boycey Inspires Barbados To World Cup Win
Wigan : 29/03/2015 15:26:00

Current Site Poll (view all polls)

If relegated how long will it be before the Latics gain promotion back to the Championship?
Suggested By:  Lardtaster
Straight Back 82%
Two Seasons 0%
Three Seasons 0%
More The Three 0%
We Won't Be COming Back! 18%