The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez Pt 3
It`s been another long week for Roberto and the boys, it`s time to take a sneaky peek inside our manager`s secret diary and see what they`ve been up to. Over to you Roberto:
Monday: It was transfer deadline day today. We had several calls from a muffled voice claiming to be Arsene Wenger offering £8m for Charles. We started to get a bit suspicious when Arsene said he would make Charles "as good a player as wor Cesc, that`s for sure." I drove Charles into Manchester for talks with Arsene, who insisted on meeting in Eccles Tesco`s car park. The final straw was the four-dimensional nose poking out from underneath a fedora hat; I shoved Charles back in the boot, locked him in and sped away back to Wigan. You can`t fool us that easily, Mr Bruce.
Tuesday: We have had some bad news about Gary Caldwell tonight. He broke his cheekbone sometime in the first half of our game at West Brom, I wanted to bring him off at half time but he refused. He sat in the showers all the way through my team talk downing a mixture of Skol, whiskey and Listerine. He was so drunk for the second half that I had to bring on Steven Caldwell to act as a translator; he was the only one who could understand him.
Wednesday: Daniel de Ridder is still acting strangely. Today he tried to rearrange Christopher Park according to Feng Shui, claiming it would enhance our positive energy. Once we explained that it wouldn`t do us much good to train on a hexagonal pitch with nineteen sets of goalposts, he stormed off sprinkling the touchline with calf`s blood and shouting that there would be some karmic retribution after this. He`s right. He won`t be in the team on Saturday.
Thursday: I asked Jordi to babysit Young James and Old James tonight while the rest of the team did some night time training. I told him to have them in bed by 8pm, any later and they`ll be cranky tomorrow morning. I got back at half past ten to find the house a mess, Balamory videos all over the floor and Young James and Old James trying to break into the bathroom with empty Fruit Shoots. There was no sign of Jordi anywhere, once Graeme and I had put the Jameses to bed we found him sobbing in the bath, curled into a ball. He`d been in there for four hours, the poor guy. I don`t know why people pick on him so much, he`s a lovely, sensitive man.
Friday: We play Blackburn Rovers tomorrow, which only means one thing. Mr Whelan took the day off work to come to training and give the team their pre-match tactics talk. He brought a tape of the 1960 FA Cup Final, which he played in. That came as a surprise for most of the squad, as he doesn`t like to talk about his footballing years. Anyway, Mr Whelan made sure to warn the players about the tricky inside forward play of Peter Dobing and to make sure to avoid their excellent goalkeeper Harry Leyland. I`m pretty sure neither of those players are currently in Blackburn`s 25-man squad, but we`ll take his advice. He used to play football, don`t you know?
If you missed any of the previous editions of Roberto`s Secret Diary fear not, you can catch up right here:
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