The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez Pt 4
Have you been wondering what could have possibly been going on this week behind the scenes at Latics? Well wonder no more, as we take a peek inside Roberto`s diary and read about the week`s events:
Monday: The lads are teasing Jordi again. The coaching staff have told him that he needs to get stronger to adapt to the Premier League, and have put together a fitness plan for him. Unfortunately, Victor walked in on him doing some after-hours training, dressed in very short shorts and a luminous headband, dancing about the gym to 'Physical` by Olivia Newton-John. This morning the whole squad came into training sporting leg warmers and sweatbands, shouting 'Let`s get physical!` every time Jordi walked past. Jordi was in floods of tears, he had to go home with Graham to calm him down.
Tuesday: We`re getting to the end of our tether with Daniel de Ridder`s behaviour. Today he`s convinced himself that he`s going to be reincarnated, and is burning all of his belongings. All of his clothes, his hair products, his Rick Astley CD collection, everything. Apparently he`s got his sights set on coming back as a pair of straighteners, so he can get closer to fabulous hair. He`ll be disappointed when he wakes up tomorrow and is still training with the reserves.
Wednesday: There has been a lot of talk today about why Young James didn`t travel to play for the Republic of Ireland tonight. Well let me set it straight - it was all the airline`s fault. The Irish FA had booked him on a flight from Liverpool to Dublin, but when we dropped Young James at the airport he refused to get on the plane. Apparently they had refused to show Finding Nemo on the big screen on the plane, due to the flight only being short haul. Young James threw a massive strop and started screaming, we had no choice but to bring him home. I hope Mr Trapattoni understands.
Thursday: We`ve lost Gary Caldwell. Him, Steven and Old James were in a minibus together coming back from Scotland`s game last night but only two of them have shown up for training this morning. I specifically told the driver to watch him when they stopped at petrol stations for a toilet break, but he seems to have slipped away just before they hit Carlisle. After hours of retracing steps and frantic phone calls to the police, we finally found him lied in a park in Lincoln, staggering around. He`d drank that much Stella that he thought his protective mask had transformed him into Jim Carrey`s The Mask. He kept yelling 'SSSSSSMOKIN`` at passers-by, before he collapsed asleep and we could take him home.
Friday: There was a package waiting at the Christopher Park for Charles this morning. It was quite bulky, but there was no sign of a name or a card telling us who it was from. Inside the package was a bus timetable for the Wearside area, and an OS map of the North East. Charles seemed quite happy with it, saying that it would come in handy during the summer. I wonder who it could be from?
If you missed any previous entries fear not, they are right here:
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