The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez Pt 5
We`ve had another packed week at Wigan Athletic; let`s see what`s been going on behind closed doors in Roberto`s secret diary:
Monday: The club have had a lot of calls today praising us for allowing two of our players to help in the community with the local Wigan homeless population. We`d never authorised anything of the sort, so I sent Graham to find out what was happening. He found Gary and Steven wobbling around the High Street performing a shaky rendition of 'The Phantom of the Opera` with some homeless folk. I don`t think either of them had even been home since the game at Anfield, Gary was still in his mask and Steven had stolen some Carlsberg from the Players` Lounge. We`re going to have to get them to some Alcoholics Anonymous meetings soon.
Tuesday: I had a staring contest with Ben Watson today. We were staring at each other for ages, really concentrating hard until Ben had to blink. I told him that I was happy with his intensity, we could take the positives from this and grow as footballers.
Wednesday: We play Bolton tonight in the FA Cup. Daniel de Ridder has refused to play, as it is against his chakhra, or something. Just before we got to the stadium before the game, I got a call from our groundsman. Apparently he`s found a dead sheep behind the North Stand goal, sliced in two and with its left lung missing. We found that buried under the penalty spot. Daniel denies having anything to do with it, but the sheep was strangled with an Alice band - Jordi isn`t fast enough to catch sheep, so I think we know who did it.
Thursday: The pitch at the DW Stadium is being re-laid today. As the old grass was being ripped up, we found some awful sights - several of Daniel de Ridder`s old sacrifices, including three pigeons, a cormorant and a voodoo doll of me; a few tonnes` worth of David Unsworth`s pie stash for half times a few years ago and worst of all, a dishevelled Steve Bruce. He`d been hiding under the pitch for a fortnight now, attempting to steal Charles again. Fortunately for us, every time he`d tried to grab him, his head had become wedged in one of the drainage pits underground. We packed him off back to Sunderland with a £20 Tesco voucher for good measure.
Friday: Mike Pollitt is still a bit tired from Wednesday night. He`s never usually up after half eight at night, making him play a full 90 minutes has made him even more tired. Anyway, he had a bit of a nap at Christopher Park between sessions, lied on one of the couches in our tactics room. Young James and Old James decided that it would be a good idea to play a prank on him, getting changed into new clothes and pretending that he`d missed a full day. When Mike woke up he was furious, he`d missed Sandra`s game on Deal or No Deal and forgot to set it up to record. The poor guy was very confused, those young lads can be very cruel sometimes.
If you missed any previous entries fear not, they are right here:
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