The Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez Pt 6
It`s been an interesting week behind the scenes at Wigan Athletic, shall we see what`s been going on? Roberto, over to you:
Monday: Poor Victor Moses had the fright of his life today. He was having a shower at Christopher Park after training when all of a sudden the water stopped draining out of the room. It kept rising and rising, filling the shower room until Victor couldn`t stand up. He`s not so big, it didn`t take that long but he was absolutely terrified. It wasn`t until Steve Gohouri wandered past and heard the screams that he was saved - Steve had to smash through a concrete wall to get at him. It turned out that the flood was caused by a massive ball of blond hair jammed in the plughole - that`s the last time we let Jimmy Bullard use our showers when he comes to visit.
Tuesday: I went on a scouting mission today to Edinburgh with Kevin Reeves. As we were driving back down the M1 after the game, we noticed lots of things littering the carriageway going north. There was loads of stuff, Lego, teddy bears, miniature cars, everything. We had no idea what it could be until we heard the news on the radio - Niall Quinn had said Sunderland might have to start selling players to balance their books. That left us with only one conclusion: Steve Bruce must have started throwing his toys out of the pram again.
Wednesday: We made Mike Pollitt watch Young James and Old James today. He decided it would be a good idea to try and make them more mature after the Jordi incident a few weeks ago. He had brought in the Wigan version of Monopoly, and thought the Jameses would like a game. He`d asked Momo Diame to play too, but he took one look at the game board and stormed off in a bad mood, muttering something about Madrid. Anyway, the game went well until Old James landed on Young James`s Mayfair, and refused to pay the rent. They started fighting; Mike couldn`t do anything to break them up. To cut a long story short, they both ended up in hospital to remove the little plastic hotels from some rather personal orifices. Needless to say, Monopoly is now banned from the training ground.
Thursday: I think Antolin is getting ideas above his station. He swooped into training today wearing a full ermine cloak and a plastic crown from Burger King. Apparently he thinks he`s descended from Paraguayan royalty, and is now expecting to be addressed as His Royal Highness. He`s already been telling the Spanish-speaking members of the squad, most of who have ignored him and carried on as usual. Jordi, however, has been swayed by his story and has become his follower, so long as Antolin tones down the daily beatings from the rest of the squad. It`s either that or the fact that Jordi gets to carry the train of the robe. At least he`s making friends finally, good for Jordi.
Friday: We have to play Manchester United tomorrow. We need to have as much of an advantage as possible, so we sent Gary and Steven to spend the evening with Mr Ferguson. I gave them a large bottle of whiskey as a present for him, with instructions to keep him drinking for as long as possible. Like they needed telling twice. I didn`t get a call from either of them all night, with a bit of luck Mr Ferguson`s team talk will be even more incoherent than usual tomorrow and only Darren Fletcher will be able to understand him.
If you missed any previous entries fear not, they are right here:
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