Date:Friday May 13 2011
The day is almost upon us, a season-defining game that we really have to win. How are the nerves behind the scenes? Let's find out in the latest instalment of Roberto's Secret Diary:
Monday: Ronnie's art obsession keeps growing. Today he decided to paint some still life after training, and wanted volunteers to model. Chris Kirkland offered, as he hadn't done much training anyway. Ronnie had him pose just right, bent over sideways over a bowl of fruit. Seven hours later, the painting was finished - but Chris couldn't leave. His back had seized up yet again, we have to hope it doesn't last as long as last time. He looks like he's been frozen while doing a particularly energetic rendition of the YMCA.
Tuesday: Gary and Steven are doing very well in their battle against the bottle. Today they managed a full eight minutes without a drink, which I believe is a record. Unfortunately, they have discovered that there are foods with alcohol in them. Coming from Scotland, they only eat haggis, neeps and tatties - whatever those three things are. By this afternoon the canteen's menu at Christopher Park had been completely changed. Out went the pasta and chicken; in came beef bourguignon and sherry trifle. Not sure our nutritionist will be very happy about that.
Wednesday: Poor Jordi. He tried to get a bit of culture into the squad by taking some of them to see a Picasso exhibition in London today. Ronnie was very interested, but the rest of the lads were less impressed. Mohamed decided to take things into his own hands, and challenged Jordi to a game of hide-and-seek. While Jordi ran off to hide, the other lads pretended to count to 100. As soon as Jordi was out of sight, of course, they all ran off to the train station and came home. For all we know, Jordi is still somewhere in a dark corner in the National Gallery.
Thursday: Today we received the news that Scott Parker may be fit for Sunday's game. Hendry immediately started training his body and mind for their clash. He really is quite violent when he wants to be. He's made hundreds of straw-stuffed mannequins of Parker's exact specifications, and is working around the clock to be able to surgically remove their ankles at twenty paces. We have told him that he'll have to manage it without the knife in his mouth and the bandana by Sunday though, or he won`t be allowed on the pitch.
Friday: As we don't have a game tomorrow, we are organising a Eurovision party for the evening, to try and alleviate some of the tension. We are all going as our favourite Eurovision acts from down the years. Myself, Graham, Graeme and Inaki have got some blonde wigs to dress as Abba, Ronnie, Ben, Connor and Maynor are coming as Blue and Young James and Old James have unfortunately decided to go as Jedward. I have a feeling that might not go down too well, my money's on Hendry to snap first. Let's hope he doesn`t break out the anti-Parker moves.
If you missed any previous entries fear not, they are right here:
The Complete Secret Diary Entries
Latics and Proud
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Date:Friday May 13 2011
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