Date:Friday May 20 2011
After that sensational win at the weekend, let`s hope Roberto and the boys can finish the job off at the Britannia this coming Sunday. Here`s how the preparations have been going, as told by the man himself:
Monday: Charles`s winning goal yesterday was a huge relief for me and my coaching staff. The tension that built up in the last fifteen minutes was unbearable; I`m surprised only one spectator had a heart attack. And for the first time I can remember, I wasn`t happy with the intensity at the end of the game. I wish he`d scored ten minutes earlier, Charles would have saved us a lot of stress. So long as we buy a lot of blood pressure tablets we can learn from this and grow as spectators.
Tuesday: Gary and Steven have been very useful this week. I asked them to do a special job for me last night, and it came off perfectly. They know a lot of the Birmingham squad from the Scotland national side, like James McFadden and Barry Ferguson. Gary and Steven took them all out for some drinks, to bond as fellow professionals. They know what Scottish footballers are like, they`re like Pringles - once they pop they can`t stop. Gary and Steven slipped out after a couple of hours to sleep off their hangover in an alley, but the Birmingham players carried on - one only got in at 4am. Let`s hope that knocks them off their game for Sunday.
Wednesday: Next up, Blackpool. When your best player wants to leave the club, who is the last person you would want him speaking to? Except for Steve Bruce, he wouldn`t help Wigan if his life depended on it. Yes, that`s right, Charles N`Zogbia. We heard that Charlie Adam was taking a stroll along the Promenade in Blackpool, so we sent Charles to have a little 'talk` with him. A few hours later, and Charlie Adam was safely swimming with the fishes - Charles had persuaded him to go on the run for a while to force through the transfer, so he booked a last-minute holiday to Cancun. He`ll be snorkelling as we speak, let`s hope that puts paid to Blackpool`s chances this weekend.
Thursday: Wolves are the other side in the most trouble, and for them I turned to my right-hand man, not Graeme Jones but Jordi Gomez. I drove him down to the Wolves training ground to 'clear the air` with Karl Henry, after their little run-in earlier this season. I thought Jordi was being very brave just agreeing to come with me, although the brown underpants he was wearing perhaps revealed how he was really feeling. Anyway, my plan worked perfectly. As soon as he saw Jordi, Karl Henry flew into a massive rage and started kicking anything within range. My immediate thought was for Jordi, we managed to spirit him away in our parked jeep just as the riot police arrived. Let`s see how bulletproof their team spirit really is when their captain has to spend the next few months behind bars.
Friday: Finally, I thought we had to do something to Stoke. I thought I would go to the Stoke training ground to speak to Tony Pulis before the game on Sunday. I took Franco with me as a bit of protection, the Stoke boys are huge, you don`t get too many tall Spaniards. While I was chatting to Tony, Franco started joining in with the Stoke players` kickabout after their training session. They obviously didn`t realise just how clumsy he is: within minutes Ryan Shawcross had been knocked over by a stray elbow. Franco probably didn`t help the situation by kneeing him in the face as he tripped over his own laces. Even with the game over Franco couldn`t help himself - a particularly strong handshake with Rory Delap later and Delap`s wrist was at a very strange angle indeed. I have to congratulate Franco, it was much better than my plan. I suppose we`ll have to bin the poisoned paella somewhere along the M6.
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The Complete Secret Diary Entries
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Date:Friday May 20 2011
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