Season Preview/Secret Diary of Roberto Martinez

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The Sheikh is back!

The summer break is over for another year, and we stand on the cusp of the new Premier League season. With that in mind, let`s delve into Roberto`s secret diary for the first time this season. This week, he`s looking forward to the new season:

We are back for another year in the Premier League at Wigan, and there have been many changes. After the end-of-season party, Steven Caldwell went completely missing - even Gary couldn`t find him anywhere, despite checking all the Bargain Booze shops and park benches in the North West. It turned out that he had drunk so much he`d completely blacked out, woken up at St Andrews in Birmingham and assumed he played for them instead of Wigan. His contract was up anyway so we left him to it, even after Gary had threatened everyone in the vicinity. I hope he`s alright for the Norwich game, he seemed very upset when he stormed off with a bottle of Glenfiddich.

Another player who left us was Daniel de Ridder, who moved to Zurich in Switzerland. He told us all that he couldn`t find spiritual nirvana while living in Wigan, and the mountain air would be better for his Karma. I think someone should have told him that Kurt Cobain is dead, he won`t be finding nirvana anywhere no matter where he moves to. A Welshman also called me in July to tell me that he was leaving the club - he said his name was Jason. None of the staff had ever heard of him, so I told him he had the wrong number and put the phone down.

There was a lot of speculation about why I decided to turn down the chance of moving to Aston Villa a few weeks ago too, with people saying I lacked ambition. Well the simple truth is this: as soon as I realised that Steven Caldwell would be living in the city of Birmingham for the next couple of years, there was no way I would be moving. There are only so many times you can kick him off your doorstep while he sings Rod Stewart songs before you get a bit bored.

Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, Charles N`Zogbia broke through our blockade around Dubai to sign for Villa. We even had Graeme checking everyone flying into Birmingham airport to try and find him, but somehow he slipped past. Rumours that a portly man with a North-Eastern accent and a large nose smuggled him into the city in a red-and-white striped Transit van remain unconfirmed.

Our preparations for the new season went well - Mr Whelan finally threw in the two jars of Uncle Joe`s that Owen Coyle wanted to sign Ali permanently and we should have a playmate for Victor to do backflips with once Nouha Dicko signs. We also signed a man called David Jones on a free transfer; I`m convinced he`s just a plasterer who has mistakenly joined in training with the first team. Strangely, he`s quite good so we might have to give him a nice continental name so he fits in with the rest of the squad.

One problem in the run-up to the first game against Norwich has been the riots up and down the country. While there have been no problems in Wigan itself, we had a very near miss this week. Unfortunately, somebody let Young James and Old James watch the news on Monday night (Gary Caldwell was looking very guilty on Tuesday morning) and they got it into their heads that a small riot would be fun. They went mental in the canteen, smashing up tables and stealing Ribena cartons and squirting each other with ketchup sachets. We had to get Steve Gohouri to grab them both to make them stop - he`s the only one strong enough to stop them both at once. Spare a thought for Jordi though - we told the lads to try and get hold of a water cannon to stop Young James and Old James`s trail of destruction. Half an hour after everything had blown over, Jordi returned with a Super Soaker water pistol. Not quite what I had in mind, but at least he tries. So long as he learns from this mistake and grows as a peacekeeper he can be successful.

Sheikh_Mahand


























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