The Secret Diary Of Roberto Martinez 19/08/11

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The season is well under way now, and after the opening day draw against Norwich Roberto and the team head to Wales to face old foes Swansea. Let's see how preparation has been going on behind the scenes.

Monday: That David Jones fellow is still coming to training. Maybe he's repainting the gym, nobody knows. As it looks like he'll be staying about for a while, we have decided to 'continentalise` him. Jordi is in charge of all this, and is taking his job very seriously indeed. He's been showing him how to sip a latte correctly, how to properly eat a Gruyere baguette and the right way to flail around if someone gets a bit too close to your hair. There's no better teacher really, we should be sorted very soon.

Tuesday: Mike Pollitt is still celebrating being given a new contract, despite being older than the moon. Today he felt so flush with cash that he gave Victor a pound coin, before hobbling off muttering "Don't spend it all at once, kids these days…" I don't think I've ever seen Victor move as fast in all my life as he did to buy those seven Freddos.

Wednesday: We have problems with Mohamed Diame. After his anger at the town of Wigan last season, he still hasn't cheered up. Gary agreed to take him househunting again to show him the nicer areas of the town, to try and get him excited to live here. Unfortunately they ended up only seeing the ceiling of several pubs and a couple of gutters in Ince, so the whole exercise was a waste of time. It probably will make him realise that there is always someone worse off than he is though - Gary spent the night sleeping in an alley with some stray dogs.

Thursday: Big Brother started tonight on Channel 5. To celebrate, our very own Geordie Graeme Jones has decided to narrate every event of our day. We've had him following Ali for a few hours, although I think the relevance is lost completely on him. Moreover, I don't think Ali understands a word of what he's saying, the Geordie people do have a way of speaking that is completely unintelligible to outsiders. At least we know he won't be joining Mr Bruce up at Sunderland any time soon.

Friday: We drive down to Wales today ahead of our big game tomorrow against Premier League newcomers Swansea. Some of the foreign boys have got a little confused about the nature of the game. We had to reassure Maynor that we had in fact finished 16th last season and this wasn't a European game, despite his excitement. Perhaps we should have left it, maybe it would persuade Hugo that we are a big club. Worst affected by the confusion was Franco, who turned up for the coach with a large suitcase - and his passport.

Sheikh_Mahand

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