The Secret Diary Of Roberto Martinez 26/08/11

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We're only two weeks into the season, and yet we're looking at a potential six-pointer at home - although seven games unbeaten would sound quite good as well! Let`s see how the lads are preparing for this weekend's game:

Monday: Some Welsh bloke called Jason turned up at the training ground today, begging to be given a contract. He insists that he used to play for Wigan and is a Welsh international footballer - that isn't saying much, it just means he's one of only 11 adult men in Wales with two operable legs. Anyway, we told him to leave, but we gave him Steve Bruce's number just in case he still needs a club to play for. As soon as he tells him he's an ex-Wigan player a contract will be ready and waiting for him.

Tuesday: Today, we put some new inspirational pictures up at Christopher Park. We let our resident fine art expert, Ronnie Stam, run his eye over them before training. However, by the time we started warming up; Ronnie was nowhere to be seen. A quick search of the building found him in the main lobby, staring at one of the pictures. According to the receptionist, he`d been there for an hour, sitting in front of the wall and just staring at one spot. I told him that I was happy with the intensity, but if he could look at the pictures on his own time we could learn from this and grow as art critics.

Wednesday: this week has been a very good week for the club, as three of our players have signed new contracts. We are most excited about Young James signing his contract, as it took a lot of tough negotiating to come up with a deal that suited us all. The main problem was the inclusion of a clause making sure Young James stuck to his agreed bedtime, no matter what was on TV. Obviously, Young James wasn't happy about this at all, which is why the talks took so long - he refused to speak to anyone and went in a huge strop for almost three weeks. It has been affecting his match performances, so we knew we had to resolve it soon. Eventually he agreed to the clause, but only after we agreed to swap all the energy drinks and water on matchdays for very strong Ribena, and let him use his curly Spongebob straw. If you see him tearing about like a madman on Saturday you`ll know why.

Thursday: The other team in Wigan, the Wigan Warriors, have a special game this weekend down at Wembley. As a show of solidarity, we took the squad down to their training ground to meet with them and wish them luck. All didn't go according to plan though, as the rugby boys are huge - we really shouldn't have brought Jordi. Gary Caldwell decided it would be good fun to get involved in the scrum practice, with the footballers taking on the rugby players. Gary told Jordi it was just like a 'big hug', so Jordi went in the front row. Unfortunately, Gary had also told the rugby boys to push in the scrum like they do in Union. Needless to say, it didn`t end well - Jordi has been sat in a corner of the team bus all day, rocking backwards and forwards shivering.

Friday: We have to remember that tomorrow`s game is a lunchtime kick-off. This might be a problem for the older members of the squad, especially Mike Pollitt. He needs his 15 hours sleep a night, if he doesn't get it he'll get cranky. Waking him up for the pre-match team meeting will be interesting too, we could really do with Noel Edmonds shouting 'Mike, take the Walk of Wealth!' otherwise it'll be tough to shift him.

Sheikh_Mahand

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