The Secret Diary Of Roberto Martinez - 30/09/11

The Sheikh is back following a short sabbatical around some of Europe's more exotic cities to soak up the culture, well the alcohol really, good to have you back Sheikh, what's happening with Roberto?

Well since I last had a flick through Roberto's diary the team have lost every single game they`ve played - let's hope that they can fix that record this week at Villa, here's how they've been preparing.

Monday: Jordi has been getting a lot of stick from everyone for his poor performance against Spurs. I think I should take some of the blame - it all stemmed from the pre-match meeting. I was showing the lads some videos of the Tottenham players to gee them up for the game. One of the clips was of Scott Parker snapping away at Lee Cattermole a few years ago, when he played for West Ham. I didn't want Jordi to see this clip, so I made him leave the room while it was on. Unfortunately Gary decided to make some horrible noises like the video was making him sick. Jordi heard this, and was very scared for the game. That's probably why he didn't play too well on Saturday - he was frightened of getting too close to the Tottenham players. I'll have to work out how to keep those two apart from now on.

Tuesday: We have some new faces at training this week. One of them is El-Hadji Diouf, the former Liverpool striker. He is a friend of Ali's from Bolton, and is keeping himself fit while he looks for a new club. We know he has a reputation for spitting, so Ronnie volunteered to take him somewhere where he can legitimately exercise his passion, away from Arjan de Zeeuw's face. Ronnie plumped for wine-tasting at a vineyard, but he underestimated how much El-Hadji enjoys spitting. Gallons of wine was wasted, most of it spilling into Ronnie's hair. By the time he came back his hair was all purple, it looked like he'd had a blue rinse.

Wednesday: Our other new face is actually an old face - Richard Kingson, the Ghana goalkeeper. I don't think we need to sign another goalkeeper, but just in case something happens to Chris' back it is good to have a spare hanging around. Richard is an odd fellow though - he keeps leaving skateboards and roller skates around Chris' locker, nobody knows why. He nearly fell over one the other day, though he was absolutely fine. In unrelated news, Richard was in a mood all week after that.

Thursday: One of our new signings, Shaun Maloney, has been struggling to keep up with our other Scottish players in their pub 'bonding sessions'. After the last one, Shaun ended up vomiting all over Old James before throwing a traffic cone at Gary Caldwell. Nobody was hurt, but Shaun had a bad headache this morning. I told him not to worry, as he is in a bad moment but I couldn`t be prouder of the performance. If he could just learn to pace himself then he could take the positives from it and we can grow as alcoholics.

Friday: This weekend we play Aston Villa down in Birmingham. It will also be the first time that we will play against Charles N'Zogbia since he left in the summer. We usually drive down to games like this on Saturday morning, but we decided to go a day early to acclimatise. Once we parked our coach outside our hotel, we thought we'd locked it up for the night. However, after we came back later, the hotel manager was waiting for us. Apparently there had been someone spotted messing around near our coach, so we had a bit of a search to see if there was any damage. At first we didn't think there was anything wrong - until we looked in the luggage compartment below the coach. There we found a small figure crouched behind Mike Pollitt`s Just For Men. Turns out it was Charles, we have no idea what he was doing in there. Maybe he really hasn't settled in at Villa, and wants to come back? Let's hope nobody notices if we stick him in a blue shirt tomorrow.

Sheikh_Mahand

















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