Southport 0 Latics 0 - Alternative match highlights
Hold on, stop the introductory video! I just realised we don't have any actual lights to high.
But fret not, dear reader - in lieu of actual match action or an embeddable highlights video, your small time Internet weblogger has compiled this list of things to do at a match between Southport and Wigan Athletic on the evening of 18 July 2017.
Place illicit bets on whether Sanmi Odelusi will fire a shot into the burger van serving hatch by the corner flag. Start the betting at 2/1 even though he's not due to feature in the game.
Try and spot all cameras filming the match for local cable network Southport TV. Realise this little game-within-a-game is not quite as easy as it was against Liverpool last week.
Toss your remaining cold chips at a passing seagull in the hope it might catch one in its beak. See how long it takes for a steward to apprehend the gull and award it a three-match ban for chasing food onto the pitch.
Offer half-baked conspiracy theories as to why Owen Evans is the only Latics player not to have been substituted by the 90th minute. Start to believe replacement keeper Theo Roberts has been roped into serving at the burger van... in an Odelusi-proof crash helmet.
Buy a burger for the price of a match ticket and Sanmi Odelusi put together.
Notice that the burger van has closed before full time. Wonder whether an errant Odelusi shot might have caused this, even though you know he probably isn't inside the ground at this point.
Realise you spent a whole evening staring at a burger van instead of the football itself. Start to panic about how on Earth you're going to write a match report.