12th Man: The Lingering Curse of Columba Coyle
End of Season Q&A
This article was originally published in the Wigan Post 12th Man column on 12 May 2017.
What went wrong?
Undoubtedly, it's the lingering curse of Columba Coyle. The weekend after Latics invited him back to the DW Stadium, his foul-smelling anti-magic began to waft its way through the great halls of Robin Park. Minor disagreements became full scale brawls as that parasite of instability attached itself firmly to thedressing room tea machine. Dehydrated, Wigan Athletic's once reliable representatives became feather-spitting buffoons craving the artificial stimulants of branded orange glucose drink.
A crying shame, since a £100 drinks machine repair job is all it would have taken for every single one of the club's problems to be solved. (Yes, even that permanently malfunctioning hand dryer in the East Stand lavs.)
Laugh out loud moments of 2016/17: Nicky Powell winning an endless stream of cheap free kicks for tripping over the hair on his own shins against Barnsley (thanks to Simon Hooper); Davey Perkins speed crawling to grab the ball with both arms, earning himself the most entertaining booking of the (admittedly mundane) season; realising April Fools' Day was pointless because Latics' whole season had been a joke.
But Jakey Haugaard's injured shoulder is certainly no laughing matter. Oh no-hoho.
There is but one individual for the job that only a fool desires. A man to deflect blame in the deepest of crises, preserving his own scaly skin and by extension the club's financial status. A man so skilled in DIY that he could fix that faulty drinks machine before a breakfast of triple greased, fatty eggbacon washed down with liquid filth.
His name? Nosey Barstool, Private Investigator and small time Blackpool Casino con artist. Sign him up, Sharpy.
Hopes for new season?
A new half time game. I'm hoping for the pelting of 'King' Garton Joyce with rotten oranges.
A new club mascot. I'm hoping for 'King' Garton Joyce in an inflatable pirate outfit. Being pelted with rotten oranges.
A new concourse menu. I'm hoping for... a pleasant selection of fine wines and after dinner treats. But also rotten oran-
(Word count exceeded. Enjoy the summer break, and we'll be back for more 12th Man next season! - Ed)